How about Mom and I go to Quebec City in the spring? Her birthday is March 19, and I won those two tickets, remember, and J. said, “you don’t have to take me Just because I’m your girlfriend”, which was when she WAS still my girlfriend…I had an inkling then…mmmm. Maybe…
anyhow. so, i’ve been back and forth with Mom. “you want to go to a hot place?”
“Do YOU want to go to a hot place? Maybe you’d like to go scuba diving.”
“But I want to go somewhere you’ll enjoy, too, Mom.”
“Oh, I’ll just enjoy myself being with you.”
sigh. we’re such women, aren’t we? so then, my friend Lynda said something about Quebec City! and Young Erin the First lives there now (there are now several other “Young Erins” in my life, but she is the first). and Lynda suggested maybe she’d like to spend a couple hours with us…
Would She?! “Yes!” she said. Her words jumped off the screen of the computer.
I got all excited. Maybe we can make an appointment to all get tattoos by Billy.
Young Erin loved that idea, too. Erin Squared with Billy from QC Tats! Maybe Mom wants one, too!
oh, let’s not get carried away, here, Erin Squared…
Anyway. so, that might be what we do. maybe or maybe not the tattoo. but Quebec City’s lookin’ mighty fine. and maybe we’ll rent a car and drive to Montreal for a day of cafe au lait and my Deborah–and Mom can meet her kids. oh, that would be grand, too.
J and I met up to write together for a couple of hours the other night. And that was nice, and she came over for tea after and we talked to each other. We were interested in what each other had to say, and we were kinda tender with each other, and there was that kind of …you know…tension in the air.
but we were good.mmmph.
This love affair was important to each of us for different reasons. We kinda grew up. I learned how to fight better. And J did too, and how to take herself seriously. so did I, in a different way. We saw each other for who we are, and had admiration and respect for that person. She didn’t want to change me.
I mean, I could be tidier. and maybe have more of a sense of style…kind of…
But she thinks i’m smart and capable and disciplined. So, well, I am, then.
And I think she’s smart and a really brilliant communicator and insightful. so, well, she is.
as the days go by, I want to write her little e-mails, and call her to say, “How’re you doing? What’s your day like? Wanna know how much I deadlifted today?” and stuff like that. But I don’t. I guess we need to take time to separate, to become more like friends and not lovers. what IS that, though? After nearly two years of every day?
We’ll find out. I know that every day she is a radical feminist and so am I and even if we don’t see each other we are still right beside each other as we are beside many many other women. We are something to each other, something rare and fine even if we don’t see each other much anymore.
I saw her today in the gym. I was getting out of the shower, and I didn’t have my glasses on. I can’t see a thing without my glasses–everything is blurred and indistinct. Featureless masses of colour. She waved at me, and said, “it’s Joanna”. It was weird to not recognize her. And to not reach over and touch her. but that’s how it will be for a while with us. a bit of formality, now. A bit of testing out lonesomeness. It’s okay.
anyhow. here we go.
I’m gonna go draw pictures now.